请勿打扰的幽默句子英文

1、I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

2、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

3、 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

4、 Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.

5、Save water. Shower with your girlfriend. 要节约用水，尽量和女友一起洗澡。

6、 We must hang together, or we'll be hanged separately.

7、 2B or not 2B, that is a question?

8、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

9、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

10、Love the neighbor. But don‘t get caught. 要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。

11、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12、Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。

13、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

14、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

15、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

16、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

17、God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

18、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

19、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

20、Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个。

21、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

22、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

23、When two‘s company, three‘s the result! 两个人的状态是不稳定的，三个人才是!

24、Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

25、Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好。

26、Work fascinates me. I can look at it for hours! "工作好有意思耶!”尤其是看着别人工作。

27、 I know. You know. I know that you know. I know that you know that I know.

28、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

29、God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. 神决定了谁是你的亲戚，幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地。

30、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

31、 The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.

32、 Was it a bar or a bat I saw?

33、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

34、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

35、One should love animals. They are so tasty. 每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。

36、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

37、Hard work never killed anybody. But why take the risk "“努力工作不会导致死亡!”不过我不会用自己去。

38、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

39、If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

40、If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

41、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

42、I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

43、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

44、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

45、 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

46、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

48、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

49、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

50、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

51、 I think that that that that that student wrote on the blackboard was wrong.

52、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

53、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

54、 Some people are like Slinkies,not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

55、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

56、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

57、There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning. 应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来。

58、Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children. 后排座位上的小孩会生出意外，后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。

59、The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn. 学的越多，知道的越多，知道的越多，忘记的越多，忘记的越多，知道的越少，为什么学来着?

60、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

61、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

62、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

63、The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来。

64、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

65、A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.服饰就象铁丝网，它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看。

66、 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

67、Money is not everything. There‘s Mastercard & Visa. 钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。

68、Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. 成功是一个相关名词，他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚(联系)。

69、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

70、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

71、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

72、Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.爱情就象照片，需要大量的暗房时间来培养。